Monday, August 12, 2013

Crazy Scandinavian Testicle-Eating Fish On The Loose


Crazy Scandinavian Testicle-Eating Fish On The Loose

We have never found the human testicle particularly appetizing (unless, perhaps, we are in love with the person to which it's attached), but a South American exotic fish called the pacu disagrees. A terrifying relative of the piranha — but with "flatter," "stronger" teeth that are "perfect for crushing" — the pacu apparently has a tendency to first teabag, then gnaw on dudes' balls like a drunk sorority girl on a 3 AM chicken wing, reports Gawker.

Usually found in the Amazon, the vegetarian fish, which usually eats nuts, fruit or smaller fish, is now chilling in the Oresund Sound, a body of water that connects Sweden and Denmark. (Might explain why Hamlet was such a little b*tch.)

According to ball-eating fish expert Henrik Carl, via the Telegraph UK: "They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth." I HEAR THAT, GO 'HEAD WITH YOUR BAD FISH SELF, GIRRRRLFRIIIIIIEND!!!!11 Or something.



Fortunately, men who want to brave the risk and take a dip can refer to Carl's advice: "Keep your swimsuit on in the Sound these days — maybe there are few more out there. It's not normal to get your testicles bitten off, of course, but it can happen, especially now in Sweden."

It makes a lot of sense to imagine a disgruntled group of recently-dumped Scandinavian women pulling aSnakes On a Plane by dumping a few of these babies into the Sound. (Can't you see it as a deleted scene from The First Wives' Club? I can see Bette Midler in a fur-lined parka, grinning as the pacu swim off into the horizon.) However, it is being attributed to a bumbling "amateur fish collector."

My personal theory is that they have been lurking in the shadows since the invention of the movie-theater candy Swedish Fish. Waiting and plotting their revenge. Now... it's Their Time. 


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