Crazy Scandinavian Testicle-Eating Fish On The Loose
August 12, 2013 at 2:31PM By Anna Breslaw | 0 Comments
We have never found the human testicle particularly appetizing (unless, perhaps, we are in love with the person to which it's attached), but a South American exotic fish called the pacu disagrees. A terrifying relative of the piranha — but with "flatter," "stronger" teeth that are "perfect for crushing" — the pacu apparently has a tendency to first teabag, then gnaw on dudes' balls like a drunk sorority girl on a 3 AM chicken wing, reports Gawker.
Usually found in the Amazon, the vegetarian fish, which usually eats nuts, fruit or smaller fish, is now chilling in the Oresund Sound, a body of water that connects Sweden and Denmark. (Might explain why Hamlet was such a little b*tch.)
According to ball-eating fish expert Henrik Carl, via the Telegraph UK: "They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth." I HEAR THAT, GO 'HEAD WITH YOUR BAD FISH SELF, GIRRRRLFRIIIIIIEND!!!!11 Or something.
Fortunately, men who want to brave the risk and take a dip can refer to Carl's advice: "Keep your swimsuit on in the Sound these days — maybe there are few more out there. It's not normal to get your testicles bitten off, of course, but it can happen, especially now in Sweden."
It makes a lot of sense to imagine a disgruntled group of recently-dumped Scandinavian women pulling aSnakes On a Plane by dumping a few of these babies into the Sound. (Can't you see it as a deleted scene from The First Wives' Club? I can see Bette Midler in a fur-lined parka, grinning as the pacu swim off into the horizon.) However, it is being attributed to a bumbling "amateur fish collector."
My personal theory is that they have been lurking in the shadows since the invention of the movie-theater candy Swedish Fish. Waiting and plotting their revenge. Now... it's Their Time.
Usually found in the Amazon, the vegetarian fish, which usually eats nuts, fruit or smaller fish, is now chilling in the Oresund Sound, a body of water that connects Sweden and Denmark. (Might explain why Hamlet was such a little b*tch.)
According to ball-eating fish expert Henrik Carl, via the Telegraph UK: "They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth." I HEAR THAT, GO 'HEAD WITH YOUR BAD FISH SELF, GIRRRRLFRIIIIIIEND!!!!11 Or something.
Fortunately, men who want to brave the risk and take a dip can refer to Carl's advice: "Keep your swimsuit on in the Sound these days — maybe there are few more out there. It's not normal to get your testicles bitten off, of course, but it can happen, especially now in Sweden."
It makes a lot of sense to imagine a disgruntled group of recently-dumped Scandinavian women pulling aSnakes On a Plane by dumping a few of these babies into the Sound. (Can't you see it as a deleted scene from The First Wives' Club? I can see Bette Midler in a fur-lined parka, grinning as the pacu swim off into the horizon.) However, it is being attributed to a bumbling "amateur fish collector."
My personal theory is that they have been lurking in the shadows since the invention of the movie-theater candy Swedish Fish. Waiting and plotting their revenge. Now... it's Their Time.
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